St. Louis Cardinal Storylines that Need to Die

The St. Louis Cardinals are having a much better year than expected. Despite injuries to their two best starting pitchers and the loss of three very important position players, the ‘Birds have the second best record in baseball. Even though most pundits picked them to finish last in the league. And this is one of the many stories about them that needs to die quickly.

Look, Media, we effing get it okay. The Cardinals (excluding Pujols, Molina and Glaus) are a group of ragtag youngsters and tossed-aside major leaguers who had no business being where they are this late in the season. And that would be a great story if you hadn’t already written about it, like, a million times or so.

Speaking of a million times or so, we also get that Rick Ankiel used to be a pitcher, had a bit of meltdown and returned to the Cardinals as their starting center fielder. We know the story. We’ve seen the footage, heard the interviews, heard the comments on the interviews and witnessed the great plays. He’s a center fielder now. Get the hell over the story. Oh, and while we’re here, that whole, “He couldn’t throw a strike from the mound but now he can throw one from the warning track” joke aged like GW Bush. Shoot that joke in the head, sacrifice it on the altar of staleness and move on to your continued butchering of the English language, announcer dudes. Much thanks and all that.

We know Chris Duncan’s dad is the Cardinals’ pitching coach. Re-stating that is the equivalent of mentioning that Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. We know. We’ve heard it enough. I think it may even be in a few top 40 singles at this point. Cut the rope and let the story fall into Trite and Overplayed Ravine (located just down the road from Meramec Caverns).

We know Yadier Molina has two brothers who also catch in the major leagues. Some of us even know that Yadier is the youngest of the three. And all of us know that the Molina brothers are slow. Repeating this information helps no one. (Note: if they’re playing each other, go ahead and mention it—at least it’s somewhat relevant in that situation).

Albert Pujols is frigging awesome. One of the best to play the game. He’s good. Real good. But really, how many ways can you say “Albert Pujols is a great ballplayer” before you’re just repeating the repetitions of your repeats? Put up his BA, OBP, HR, SLUG on my screen and shut the hell up. My niece knows he’s awesome and she’s an eight year old girl who’s been to one ball game in her life. On a related note, Pujols is really good at baseball.

Tony LaRussa coaches to matchups. He’s used a ton of different lineups. He’ll continue to keep finding new and unusual ways to keep eight of his twelve (to thirteen) position players wondering when the hell they’ll be starting and where (in the lineup) they’ll be batting. We established this approximately twenty years ago. Please let it go.

Dave Duncan is a good pitching coach. He gets the most out of his reclamation projects. He’s also been with LaRussa for a long time. And oh, just to make sure that dead horse gets tenderized: he’s Chris Duncan’s dad. And Chris plays for the Cardinals. I know. I couldn’t believe it either. For about ten seconds. Three years ago.

Look, Media and Announcer Dudes, I understand that there are only so many storylines in baseball and that many of you have to do talk shows, broadcast games and write columns. I also understand that these stories are kind of neat. But you know what else was neat when it first happened? “Take my wife, please” was neat. “What’s the deal with airlines” was neat. It’s over. Move on and find something new to talk about. We got sixty-five more games to go and you guys are all about to be replaced by finance shows, music and blogs.

Thanks for listening guys.

Guys?