The Investor's Coroner: Now with Prozac

Welcome to a little something I like to call The Investor’s Coroner, your weekly attempt to make both sense and fun of the current international marketplace. Here at The IC (oh yeah, I’m initializing) we spend a good chunk of our lives following the market and throwing up in our mouths. As a result, it is a little difficult to keep The IC light and fluffy like a rich lady’s bath towel. For this reason and this reason alone, The Investor’s Coroner now firmly endorses Prozac. Prozac, keeping The IC calm and focused since it was prescribed to me a couple of weeks ago.

But enough about prescription mind control, let’s take a look at our money.

This Whole Fannie Freddie Debacle
Shit, where do I begin?

In the interest of brevity, here is my watered down version of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae: they are banks that receive preferential treatment from the government (a right to borrow at a lower amount than any other bank) because their sole charter is to help stabilize the homeowners market by insuring a profitability in the mortgage market. Which is to say that they buy, bundle, hold and sell loans. Well, that’s what they used to do. About eight or nine years ago, they decided that they would focus more on turning a profit because they were after all, publicly traded companies with obligations to their shareholders. Never mind that their chartered obligations were to help US homeowners. That’s not important. And besides, the two aren’t really all that mutually exclusive anyway. In 2001, Warren Buffet, the Investing Jesus, bailed on Fannie and Freddie saying that they had lost focus and that their radical new ideas would cause a major screw up.

Well, they screwed up. They got greedy and they got buried in the mortgage security mess. You could make an argument that, to a large degree, they were the mortgage security mess, but The IC ain’t here to pick at hairs, grasp at straws, blame anyone or take sides. I’m here for the yogurt. Delicious low-fat yogurt.

Anyways, the Senate is voting Saturday to quickly pass some kind of housing bill which increases the credit limit Fannie and Freddie got from the US from 2.5 billion to 800 billion dollars, which basically means that the government is going to float Fannie and Freddie some cash by buying their stock and trading their crappy mortgage securities for treasury bills, which is your money, essentially. So basically, a large part of our money supply will soon be represented by worthless mortgage-backed securities, which means serious inflation, a decrease in purchase power and a decrease in the value of the American dollar.

But that’s not all.

Also included in the glorious bill meant to save the US homeowner are two provisions not getting much press.

In this housing reform bill, congress and the senate have agreed to give the IRS the right to monitor all credit card transactions. What this has to do with anything I don’t know, but I guarantee you it wouldn’t have passed on its own.

Also, all mortgage brokers, as a result of this bill, will be required to be fingerprinted, which is par for the course in the New America but still doesn’t have anything to do with the housing debacle.

So, in a nutshell, the government just bailed out two banks it created to keep the government from having to bail you out.

Gotta love this country, huh?

Speaking of Oversight
The Democrats and the republicans could not agree in exactly how to expand its oversight of the commodities market, particularly with regards to oil which is, forgive the expression, a hot commodity. A group called the Commodities Futures Trading Commission, which is every bit as boring and unnecessary as it sounds, wanted expanded powers to monitor speculators doing unethical things. The specifics of those things have not yet been made public as no arrests or even significant inquiries have been made into recent commodities trading, nevertheless, everyone in congress wants more oversight of the market. Thankfully, the democrats and republicans are both greedy and could not agree who gets the privilege of restricting future markets and monetary freedom in the name of big government. Sometimes, their lack of organization is our only friend.

Have I Mentioned that there’s a Real Push for this Oversight Stuff?
I have no idea what nanotechnology is. I tried to look it up and understand it but I have no clue. I can’t lie: I’m just not that smart. Nevertheless, there are committees forming to push for regulatory and deregulatory requirements (read: requiring lots more money) to control whatever the heck nanotech is. I have no idea if this is good or bad but I think it’s funny that this week’s market news could have best been defined with the headline: “The Government Knows What’s Best, Stupid!”

Carl Icahn, Yahoo and the Meaning of Love
For those of you who don’t know, Carl Icahn is basically this really rich, radically pushy dude who buys tons of chunks of companies and then comes in and tells said companies how to run themselves. Because Yahoo rejected Microsoft like a scorned bitch, Icahn started acting like that freaky dad who can’t handle the fact that his daughter dumped the high school quarterback. Icahn demanded that the deal with Microsoft go through and when it did not, he threatened to replace Yahoo’s board of directors and make the deal himself.

In the business, we call this brass balls.

Anyway, Yahoo relented a little bit and let Icahn pick three members to sit on Yahoo's board and oversee any future dealings with anyone anywhere ever. I’ve said it before (but it’s been a while), if Carl Icahn wants your sandwich, you give Carl Icahn your sandwich. It’s just the easiest way to deal with the dude.

T Boone Pickens is up to Something
T Boone Pickens, in addition to having one kick ass country name, is also one of the richest oil barons in the rich tradition of oil baroning. Which is why I find it a little more than funky that Captain Boone has spent 58 million on awareness of alternative energy and has petitioned (read: asked) congress to increase its subsidies of alternative energy.

Either Slim Pickens is just following the subsidy cash while worrying about his future or he’s honestly worried about the country. My cynicism points to the former, but my childhood heart beats relentlessly for the latter.

Something Called Net Neutrality Should Probably Be Important to Me
Much like nanotechnology, I don’t understand what net neutrality is. It has something to do with profits from websites and web sources or something. The whole thing is really confusing so I just want to say that I’m for whatever provides the least oversight of the internet. I don’t know if that means I’m for net neutrality or against it, but if this becomes one of those political hot buttons, I just want it on the record right now that I vote for whatever has the least oversight.

Nokia and Qualcomm Finally get off Each Other’s Throats
Share prices of Nokia and Qualcomm both raised after they settled their four year long bitch fest of a lawsuit out of court. This was like finalizing the divorce of an abusive couple and watching with glee as one of them moves to Detroit and both get on with their lives.

When one company pays another company an assload of money and both stocks rise in price, well, that’s what’s called a good divorce. In other words, we are all a little better off now that these two have stopped fighting.

New Innovations are Still Better than New Prescriptions
Singapore is a badass place. I’ve never been there. But once I’m allowed to leave the country again, I’m totally going. In Singapore, they are considering ways to allow their citizenry to buy organs from living hosts by contributing to their charities or through other methods of trade. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a freaking free market. Screw organ donors. They have organ sellers. That’s fierce.

Therapists are now treating autistic kids with robots. When asked how this newfound therapy was working, one doctor said, “Who gives a shit? At least we don’t have to deal with the kids anymore.”

And now, your motivational investment quote of the week:

“What a man thinks of himself…indicates his fate.”
Aaaaa—Henry David Thoreau

Ten Reasons I’m Not Voting in this Year’s Election

I'm not voting for president this year. Here are ten reasons why.

(How's that for a mother-grabbing introduction?)

10. I Hate Both Candidates
One’s a marketing genius of a liar who talks about freedom while planning how to give what little freedom we have left to the international cultures and the other is a shitty liar who plans on doing whatever the lobbyists say. Yawn.

9. I am a Great Citizen
What better way to represent this fat, stupid, apathetic populous than by watching Family Guy while stuffing down genetically modified, high-fructose-corn-syrup-filled eats? I mean, that’s who we really are anyway. Why pretend?

8. Fiat Money
No one wants to get on the gold standard. Everyone wants to keep centralized banking and government controlled money. No one in this country or abroad questions the stupidity of having our rulers define our worth. This world sucks.

7. There is No Difference Between Republicans and Democrats
They may talk a good game, but they’re both part of the same collectivist mindset. They both voted for wars in Iraq, they both approved NATO and the UN, they both let Vietnam happen, they both voted to give the Panama Canal back to Panama. They both do the exact same thing in different ways: propagate socialism. They argue over things like abortion, a legal issue they are powerless to change and other semantics, such as (in the last presidential election) who did what in Vietnam.

The truth is, and it is an obvious truth, all they want is more power for centralized world organizations. They simply want to continue to rule, and by making you believe that they are different, they do exactly that. There is a reason nothing changes and that is because, whether you call them democrats or republicans, our elected leaders are world socialists with the goal of propogating a centralized rule.

And if you don’t believe me, answer this question: What is the difference between democrats and republicans?

Some say that republicans want less government. But they’ve been just as responsible for government sponsored enteties and increased government regulation and supervision as have the democrats. Others say the democrats don’t want war, but they’re just as responsible for starting wars as any other party. The truth is, and it may sting you because it means you have been duped but it’s still true, there is no difference between the two. The alleged differences are a smoke screen for the truth, which is their similarities.

6. The Last Time I Voted, my Home State Didn’t have me on Record
Been registered here for twelve years now. And they didn’t have me on record. That, my friends, is some shitty organizing.

5. Rigged Election Booths
Isn’t it funny how it was blatantly obvious that the last election was rigged and yet the Democrats barely even challenged the outcome? Yeah, that’s because there was nothing to challenge. Both sides agree that Bush is doing a great job of pushing collectivist philosophies upon us while tricking us into giving up personal freedoms. Gotta hand it to the man. He is good.

4. I’d Rather Watch Television
Seriously. Stand in a line. Fill out forms. Push buttons and whatnot. Seems like a lot of work to accomplish nothing.

3. Jesus is My President
Dude never taxed anyone. I can get behind that.

2. I Love Iran
Just kidding.

1. I Plan on Getting Drunk that Afternoon
You know how they let you get off work to go vote? Well, they don’t have to know that to me “voting” means “drinking away my hatred for collectivist thinking.”

I really don’t think this country’s gonna let me hang out around here much longer.

Girls are Like Food (Part 1: Appetizers)

Women need to be categorized. They are screaming out at to be categorized. They’re practically begging for some dashing, daring, charming, sexy, hunk of man to come along and tell them what he thinks of them and how they should think of themselves. Fortunately for all one hundred and twelve visitors of this site (thanks, Google Analytics), I am such a man.

Women, the world’s most renewable resource, can be categorized into four major categories: appetizers, main courses, desserts and leftovers. Today, we’re focusing on appetizers because that’s how every good meal starts.

Now, there are more than just a few types of appetizers but all appetizers have something in common. They’re often very tasty, they’re not enough food to constitute an actual meal and you pretty much just eat them to get your gut ready for the entrée (or main course). When translating this food talk into observations of the opposite sex, “tasty” means that these women are often thin and beautiful, “not enough food to constitute an entire meal” means that these chicks are typically too stupid or have some other kind of personality deficiency that makes it so no self-respecting man could ever spend time with them long term, and “you pretty much just eat them to get your gut ready for the entree” means that these are the kinds of chicks that you have a lot of fun with and try a lot of new things with, but it’s mainly to practice for future girls who you want to actually, you know, spend time with.

Now that we have the broad definition, let’s fine tune this sucker into different types of appetizers and what they mean to me, the dashing, charming, VD infected winner that all chicks want to be with.

The Sports Bar Appetizers
Sports bars often feature appetizers like chicken wings, mozzarella sticks and potato skins. These appetizers are tasty but hardly qualify as cuisine. Also, because sports bars dot the American landscape, these appetizers are everywhere. Which means everyone has eaten them.

Pretty much ninety percent of my one night stands and two of my last three girlfriends have been sports bar appetizers. These chicks are just cute enough to screw, just smart enough to talk to for a few months and slutty enough to sleep with you the first time you buy them a drink. In short, sports bar appetizers are your garden variety, six out of ten, everyone’s banged them, happy-go-lucky gutter sluts.

And god bless them. Because of they’re commonality, it is easy to avoid settling down with one of the main course style chicks we’ll be talking about in Part 2.

The Casual Dining Appetizers
Casual dining restaurants feature, in addition to standard sports bar fare, a few other appetizers like California rolls, mini-tacos and southwestern egg rolls. In other words, they’re just like sports bar appetizers only slightly harder to find and consume.

Unlike the female equivalent of the sports bar appetizer, the female equivalent of the casual dining appetizer isn’t available to everyone. She’s fast and easy but not that fast and easy. Also, there are often some complexities within the female equivalent of the casual dining appetizer. So, though she’s definitely a whore, there are a few times you catch yourself thinking things like, “I didn’t know you played the piano” (which is the dining equivalent of tasting an interesting agave sauce in your egg roll, savoring it for a moment, thinking it’s unique and then realizing that it probably comes in a can and gets eaten by tons of Mexicans).

Basically, the casual dining appetizer woman is easy to find and sleep with, just not as easy as the sports bar appetizer woman. Also, the casual dining appetizer tends to be a little more sober, a little more upper class and a little less likely to watch American Idol than her sports bar counterparts.

(Note: It is often very difficult to tell the difference between these two. As a rule of thumb though, if your random slut smokes, she’s more than likely a sports bar appetizer. If not, she’s probably a casual dining appetizer.)

(Another Note: The above rule of thumb is no good in California where everything is odd.)

The Wedding Party Appetizers
Wedding parties often feature appetizers like stuffed salmon chunks, scallops and deviled eggs. These appetizers are delicious but you don’t get to eat them often because you typically have to wait for a wedding or some kind of reunion before they come back around. Also, because no one at parties ever wants to be the fat dude who tracks down the wedding party waiters/waitresses, you must wait for these appetizers to come around and thus, can only enjoy them in a very limited capacity.

I see a girl named Roxy who is a perfect wedding party appetizer. Like all appetizer chicks, she is hot, thin, dumb and has very few redeeming personal qualities. She’s also a pill head. Therefore, Roxy is bad for me, much in the way that deviled eggs are bad for me. Furthermore, because her schedule revolves around evening appointments wherein she shakes her ass to move product, I rarely get to see her. However, every now and again, like the waiter bringing around the tray of scallops, she pops into my life, I enjoy her very much, she disappears and I get drunk and forget all about her.

The wedding party appetizer is unreliable, rarely attained and delicious.

The Five Star Restaurant Appetizers
Five star restaurants often feature appetizers like caviar, goose egg and steamed asparagus stuffed with diamonds. The five star restaurant appetizer chick is high maintenance, expensive and very hot. Typically, she has a foreign name, works as a model/actress/cheerleader/porn star and is incredibly hard to get a hold of. And when you do get a hold of her, you can’t believe how much money you spent on something that only lasted an hour or so.

The five star restaurant appetizer chick, much like the food, has a name that is hard to pronounce, a flavor you rarely experience and (as I may have mentioned) an obscene price tag. Typically, this chick has a boyfriend (or husband) who is very rich and so she only wants to use you for a brief fling, which is fine with you because you hardly ever get to eat this kind of stuff anyway.

No matter how many appetizers a guy eats, he’ll still eventually want a real meal. And when that time comes, he’ll start thinking about things like nutritional value, fat content, and satiability. In other words, appetizer chicks will never be the real deal because they are usually not intelligent enough, loyal enough, unique enough or fun enough to stay with long term. Appetizer chicks are easy, quick and hot, but they never fill the bill. They merely help men stop thinking about who will fill the bill in the future.

Part Two will be up when I feel like it.

Bullshit Like this Comes Along Only Once in a Great While

I love calling bullshit. And this here Bloomberg article reeks of so much manure that calling it bullshit is an insult to bullshit. This bullshit is so grade A full-of-it that I think we need a new name for it. A name worthy of its magnanimous bullshit properties. Why, this couldn’t have come from a mere bull. This must be dinosaur shit or dragon shit or—wait a minute. I got it. This is Wooly Mammoth shit right here.

Bloomberg’s article is in bold. I’m in an air conditioned environment.

Fannie, Freddie Rescue May Cost Taxpayers $25 Billion, CBO Says

By Brian Faler and Dawn Kopecki

July 22 (Bloomberg) -- Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson's rescue package for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will probably cost $25 billion, the Congressional Budget Office said.

That’s your 25 billion dollars. Being used to bail out failed banks with government chartered missions. That means that your tax dollars are being used to clean up a mess that was created by the government in conjunction with major banks. In other words, it is your job to save the futures of a bunch of people who are much richer than you and fly in private jets. Seems fair.

``There is a significant chance -- probably better than 50 percent -- that the proposed new Treasury authority would not be used before it expired at the end of December 2009,'' the nonpartisan agency, which provides economic and budget analysis for lawmakers, said in a report today.

Pay close attention. This is the good news. There’s a fifty percent chance that you won’t have to feed the rich. This is, as the man always says, unadulterated bullshit.

Democratic lawmakers were seeking to determine the cost of Paulson's plan to offer emergency funding to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which own or guarantee almost half of the $12 trillion in U.S. home loans outstanding. Paulson today said Congress understands ``the demands'' of the housing downturn and will likely approve this week his request to help the government- sponsored enterprises.

What are the demands of the housing downturn? New banks that won’t screw up? Less government forced regulation? Oh wait, it’s your money. Those are the demands.

``We need to act in the short-term because the GSEs are vital institutions in our capital markets today and are vital to emerging from the housing correction,'' Paulson said in a speech in New York. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are among the ``most interconnected of all global financial institutions,'' he said.

How are these GSEs (Government Sponsored Entities) vital? They literally sponsored and sold the mortgage backed securities that have been deemed worthless and left most banks high and dry. I fail to see the vitality. I see only failure.

Fannie Mae fell $1.61, or 11 percent, to $12.52 at 9:35 a.m. in New York Stock Exchange composite trading. Freddie Mac dropped $1.25, or 14 percent, to $7.50.

Paulson on July 13 asked Congress to grant the Treasury the power for 18 months to buy equity in Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and expand their credit lines with the government after concern that the companies don't have enough capital sent the shares to the lowest in more than 17 years. Paulson also requested expanded powers for the Federal Reserve to oversee capital requirements.

Okay, so the government, which passed the Community Reinvestment Act, which forced lenders to offer loans to people who couldn’t afford to pay them back, which led to the worst housing market since The Great Depression—these are the guys we want to give more regulatory control to? These are the guys who are gonna save us from themselves? The mere concept is so fucking ridiculous that the fact that mainstream media isn’t even questioning it has me convinced that the government owns every media outlet in the country.

Imagine, if you will, going to a doctor because you’re sick and you don’t think your body is getting enough oxygen. Imagine then, that said doctor then does something scientific so that your body gets so much oxygen that one of your lungs malfunctions (stay with me, I ain't no doctor). Now, imagine going back to that doctor only to have him tell you that he can fix the problem but he’ll need a lot more money and more control over your everyday life. Why would you stay with that doctor? You would not. You would go somewhere else. So why do we let the US government keep screwing us over?

To quote Homer Simpson, “’Cause [we’re] stupid, Lisa. That’s why everyone does everything.”

Political Pressure

The cost of the plan will depend upon terms of the credit, whether the companies have to put up collateral, pay fees or commit a portion of profit to the Treasury, said Marvin Phaup, a CBO economist for almost 20 years who retired in 2007 and is now a research scholar at George Washington University in Washington.

``This is a very very difficult thing to do and of course the political pressure will be great to make the cost estimate zero,'' Phaup said in a telephone interview last week. ``You can make a reasoned argument that it will be zero with some probability, but of course, it's also with some probability it could be very costly to taxpayers.''

It might be expensive. It might not. Your lung may explode. Or everything could be fine. Who the hell knows? Life is tough. What. I’m supposed to know everything, here?

Neither the Treasury nor the White House budget office has estimated publicly the cost of the bailout. Paulson has said the plan would restore investor confidence in the companies and thereby pose little cost to taxpayers.

Paulson is full of shit.

Lawmakers have negotiated with Paulson over the details, with the goal of putting the package to a vote in the House of Representatives tomorrow. The Senate would also need to vote.

Is it really a negotiation when everyone has the same agenda? Seems to me that’s more like collusion.

The Federal Reserve is talking with the Office of Federal Housing Enterprise Oversight, the regulator for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, to determine whether the companies have enough capital to offset credit losses.

In a purely capitalistic society, to determine asset value, all they would have to do is count cash. Nowadays though, it’s all about overvaluing, overstating and straight up lying. What a time to be alive.

More Market Stress

``The Federal Reserve is working with Ofheo to get a better understanding of the issues facing the GSEs,'' Fed spokesman David Skidmore said. The New York Times earlier reported that the Fed and the Comptroller of the Currency are examining the books of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to evaluate their health, citing an interview with Paulson.

Paulson said the Treasury has no plans to execute the financial backstop plan, and added that before doing so he would consult with the Congress and the companies. Paulson said financial market turmoil will take ``additional time'' to be resolved and that progress ``won't come in a straight line.''

``Until the housing market stabilizes further, we should expect some continued stresses in our financial markets,'' he said.

Jeez. You think? You think people not being able to keep banks alive will affect the economy? What school did you go to again? Wherever it is, my kids are definitely going there. Douche.

Savior No More

The Bush administration is depending on Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to help pull the U.S. out of the worst housing slump since the Great Depression. The companies, which buy mortgages from banks, face mounting credit losses stemming from the collapse of the subprime-mortgage market.

So The Bush Administration is depending on two nearly bankrupt companies to bail out a nearly bankrupt industry with government funds, which are actually tax payer dollars, which is actually our money, which means, to me, that this plan is really stupid.

Freddie Mac may cut purchases of home loans from banks and bonds backed by housing debt to shore up its capital amid record delinquencies.

So, to save their business, Freddie Mac will stop doing business. This is definitely a company that I want bailing me out.

Freddie Mac, which last week registered with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission for the first time, is also considering selling securities and reducing its dividend while it prepares to issue $5.5 billion of stock. JPMorgan Chase & Co. analyst Matthew Jozoff said last week that growth in the mortgage holdings of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae will be ``weak.''

I have no problems with the above paragraph. It is the only one in the entire article that makes sense and uses facts. Savor it. Because this gets worse.

``This just means much less credit availability for mortgage borrowers,'' said Paul Colonna, who manages more than $100 billion as chief investment officer for fixed income at GE Asset Management in Stamford, Connecticut. ``They were teed up to be saviors of the mortgage crisis, but now they've got their own capital issues.''

So, uh, you sure we want to put them in charge of this bailout? Seems a little… uh… what’s the word? Fucking dumb. That’s it. Actually, it’s two words. But you get the point.

Mortgage Losses

Combined losses at the companies will probably total $48 billion through 2009, Jozoff said in a July 18 report.

``Mortgage losses are significant, and will probably foster capital conservation from the agencies rather than portfolio growth,'' he said.

In English, Jozoff is saying, “I don’t see how these guys can make money in a shit economy with shit assets on their books.” English is a fun language.

House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank, a Massachusetts Democrat, has said he agrees with Paulson that the cost of a rescue would be insignificant.

What’s tens of billions of dollars amongst friends, anywho?

Lawmakers will probably cap federal aid by counting any liabilities against the government's debt limit, Frank said. Such a safeguard may reassure lawmakers concerned about taxpayers' exposure to losses, he said.

Ah. This is freaking Mafioso style management here. Can’t you just see Tony Soprano saying, “Fannie, Freddie, your debts are now ours. We now own your businesses.”? How long until the US Government just busts us all out and takes all our businesses?

Minimum Capital

Fannie Mae, created in Franklin Delano Roosevelt's New Deal plan, and Freddie Mac, started in 1970, have the implicit backing of the U.S. government and get access to funds at lower rates than banks, became more indispensable this year after private providers of mortgages collapsed or were acquired.

The game is rigged in their favor and they still lost. They get access to funds at a lower rate than the rest of the country and they still lost. And the government wants to give these guys more money? Am I the only one who thinks this is stupid? Please say, no.

At the end of March Freddie Mac had $6 billion more than the minimum capital required by its regulator, and Fannie Mae had surplus capital of $5.1 billion. The companies already raised $20 billion in the past year to cover losses and meet Ofheo rules.

Freddie Mac will probably report a surplus exceeding the minimum 20 percent required for the second quarter, according to a company filing with the SEC last week. The SEC registration and equity raising will allow the company to reduce its capital surplus level to 10 percent.

I love this. The capital reserve rules are too stringent for Freddie and Fannie so they lower them because they may report (read: lie) that they have enough capital. So, the company is still weak; the threat of failure is still there. But at least they're not violating any rules, which they seem to set. Which makes this whole game seem... what's the word?

Rigged. Rigged is the motherfucking word.

Fuck!

Fat People Need to Quit Judging Me

I hate being judged by people. More to the point, I hate it when people point out the flaws in my personal habits. I can’t really blame them. Judging people makes the judger feel better and I’m all for everyone feeling better.

Except for fat people.

Look fat people, I may drink and I may smoke and I may have unprotected sex with any number of wasted (albeit slim) stupid women. But none of that means I want to hear about what a bad person I am from someone who doesn’t have the self control to put down the ice cream.

“You drink too much,” a fat person will tell me.

“I know,” I will respond politely. Then I will ask, “Do you know where I can get some really great ice cream? Of course you do, you're disgustingly fat.’

If they tell me that it’s genetics, I will tell them that alcoholism is genetic. If they tell me that it’s some kind of glandular thing, I will tell them that their glands are making everyone in the room want to stop eating mid-bite. Well, everyone except the fat people, who can’t stop eating.

Look, I’m no saint. I make mistakes. I occasionally go to jail for my mistakes. Sometimes, I make so many mistakes that organizations are personally called in by important people to set me right. Life happens. Not much I can do about that.

But I can control my waistline.

And for this one reason and one reason alone I would like to send a message out to all fat people:

If you want to be fat, go ahead, but don’t judge others for their personal indiscretions just because the proof of said indiscretions is never forced to try to get into a pair of pants, you chubby-ass haters.

In conclusion, this country has entirely too many fat people and really needs to do something about it.

St. Louis Cardinal Storylines that Need to Die

The St. Louis Cardinals are having a much better year than expected. Despite injuries to their two best starting pitchers and the loss of three very important position players, the ‘Birds have the second best record in baseball. Even though most pundits picked them to finish last in the league. And this is one of the many stories about them that needs to die quickly.

Look, Media, we effing get it okay. The Cardinals (excluding Pujols, Molina and Glaus) are a group of ragtag youngsters and tossed-aside major leaguers who had no business being where they are this late in the season. And that would be a great story if you hadn’t already written about it, like, a million times or so.

Speaking of a million times or so, we also get that Rick Ankiel used to be a pitcher, had a bit of meltdown and returned to the Cardinals as their starting center fielder. We know the story. We’ve seen the footage, heard the interviews, heard the comments on the interviews and witnessed the great plays. He’s a center fielder now. Get the hell over the story. Oh, and while we’re here, that whole, “He couldn’t throw a strike from the mound but now he can throw one from the warning track” joke aged like GW Bush. Shoot that joke in the head, sacrifice it on the altar of staleness and move on to your continued butchering of the English language, announcer dudes. Much thanks and all that.

We know Chris Duncan’s dad is the Cardinals’ pitching coach. Re-stating that is the equivalent of mentioning that Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. We know. We’ve heard it enough. I think it may even be in a few top 40 singles at this point. Cut the rope and let the story fall into Trite and Overplayed Ravine (located just down the road from Meramec Caverns).

We know Yadier Molina has two brothers who also catch in the major leagues. Some of us even know that Yadier is the youngest of the three. And all of us know that the Molina brothers are slow. Repeating this information helps no one. (Note: if they’re playing each other, go ahead and mention it—at least it’s somewhat relevant in that situation).

Albert Pujols is frigging awesome. One of the best to play the game. He’s good. Real good. But really, how many ways can you say “Albert Pujols is a great ballplayer” before you’re just repeating the repetitions of your repeats? Put up his BA, OBP, HR, SLUG on my screen and shut the hell up. My niece knows he’s awesome and she’s an eight year old girl who’s been to one ball game in her life. On a related note, Pujols is really good at baseball.

Tony LaRussa coaches to matchups. He’s used a ton of different lineups. He’ll continue to keep finding new and unusual ways to keep eight of his twelve (to thirteen) position players wondering when the hell they’ll be starting and where (in the lineup) they’ll be batting. We established this approximately twenty years ago. Please let it go.

Dave Duncan is a good pitching coach. He gets the most out of his reclamation projects. He’s also been with LaRussa for a long time. And oh, just to make sure that dead horse gets tenderized: he’s Chris Duncan’s dad. And Chris plays for the Cardinals. I know. I couldn’t believe it either. For about ten seconds. Three years ago.

Look, Media and Announcer Dudes, I understand that there are only so many storylines in baseball and that many of you have to do talk shows, broadcast games and write columns. I also understand that these stories are kind of neat. But you know what else was neat when it first happened? “Take my wife, please” was neat. “What’s the deal with airlines” was neat. It’s over. Move on and find something new to talk about. We got sixty-five more games to go and you guys are all about to be replaced by finance shows, music and blogs.

Thanks for listening guys.

Guys?

Public Education and the Dangers of Free Thinking

We have lost track of what childhood is about, of what parenthood and teaching is about. We now think it's about having good quiet children who make it easy for us to go to work. It's about having submissive children who will sit in a boring classroom of 30, often with teachers who don't know how to use visual aids and all the other exciting technologies that kids are used to. Or there are teachers who are forced to pressure their children to get grades on standardized tests, and don't have the time to pay individual attention to [the children]. We're in a situation in America in which the personal growth and development and happiness of our children is not the priority; it's rather the smooth functioning of overstressed families and schools. . .
Aaaaaaaaa—Dr. Fred Baughman

American public education was created in this country in the 1840s and passed into law on the federal level in the early 1900s. At the time public education was made available, the idea was simply to provide an education for (and an element of control over the upbringing of) children who otherwise would not receive an education. Groovy. I mean, seems like a good idea and all that, doesn’t it?

Well it’s not.

Look, I know that the poor deserve whatever education they can get. Life is a bitch and all that. And I didn’t grow up with any money. I went to public schools and I learned that there are many people who work tirelessly in public schools. But the idea of federally funded, federally overseen schools is really an evil one.

Twenty percent of the students in America’s public schools are medicated for behavioral issues, standardized tests set at the federal level determine who advances in public schools and the messages (the content) of education are deemed less important than the personal behavior of the attending students in said schools.

Now, we all know that free thinking is dangerous. Anyone who ever listened to a Hendrix album or read a letter from the Unabomber knows that free thinking people will, for the most part, muck up the ideals of the powers that be. A federally managed public school system sets its sights on making sure that the free-thinkers of the world learn conformity. Through class exercises, standardized tests, prescription medications and unreasonable political correctness, free thinking is discouraged in America’s public schools. The idea is to create people who learn how to sit calmly in neat little rows so they can grow up to be “good” adults who sit calmly in neat little rows. It’s about control. From the first day of kindergarten to the last day of high school, public education is about teaching the students that they are part of a fluid whole that conforms to the norms set by a ruling class that would really prefer it if you didn’t ask questions, okay Mr. Nosy?

And that’s wrong.

You see, much like with an album or a website or a book, it is the content, it is the messages that matter most. And public education focuses much of its message on behavior and control. They take from the glory of actual open-minded education and teach government-sanction mind-wash. And they’re not even deceptive about it anymore.

Standardized tests exist now in every public school system in the states. The stated idea behind most standardized tests is to evaluate whether or not the children are intelligent enough to advance within the public education system. Whatever. Having standardized tests is somewhat fine and relatively dandy and all that as long as said tests are used as nothing more than a measuring tool. Determining advancement within an academic system based on a test that may or may not have anything to do with the content being taught is just dumb. It forces educators to teach to a test, which may or may not be information that children need. And when an educator is forced to teach to a test, then he/she must sacrifice other information for the information on the test. Thus, the content of education is now in the hands of the rulers. And rulers, by definition, are most interested in maintaining their rule. Everything else comes second. Even the lives and education of children.

And what happens when children do not conform to the behavioral and standardized testing norms of the powers that be? Well, because ruling and controlling are more important than educating and caring, the system encourages its pseudo-scientists to medicate the free thinkers, to take away their individuality and replace it with a more patriotic and subdued attitude. This is, in a very real sense, brain washing.

You don’t have to pay a great deal of attention to the news in this country to learn that Americans have been getting dumber when compared to the rest of the first world. I find it more than a little interesting that the country with the most political clout (read: nuclear weapons) also has the dumbest citizenry. With great power is supposed to come great responsibility. And with great responsibility should come the duty to be as educated as possible, especially regarding the current political climate. That’s just common fucking sense.

So why then, are our federally and state supervised students getting dumber every year? Even as the government encourages oversights to improve their educations?

Perhaps all this stupidity is encouraged. Perhaps it’s even part of the plan. After all, it’s easier to control those who don’t know what’s going on than it is to control those who do.

And now you can feel free to call me paranoid or deluded or any number of names. I don’t really care. There is nothing out there that you can say or do to convince me that our government encourages free-thinking or altering the status quo. There is nothing you can tell me to convince me that our rulers care about those of us who must be educated publicly. And there’s nothing you can tell me that will make me believe, even for one second, that the United States government has my best interest in mind.

They start controlling us when we’re born and they keep controlling us until we die.

And unfortunately, there ain’t all that much that’s funny about that.

Starbucks helps me Simplify Economic Suckitude

Last night, I was talking to a real dumb chick on the phone and she was having a hard time understanding how people knew that the economy was in trouble. Not one thing I told her about a lack of IPOs, a decrease in the value of the dollar, the housing crisis, the serious increase in mergers and acquisitions or even unemployment issues helped her understand the situation (to be fair, she works as a nurse which is pretty much the same gig no matter how bad the economy is doing). Then I saw this nugget on the inter-news this morning.

In the story linked to above, Starbucks announced that it will close six hundred stores. Starbucks has never announced a mass closing before. To give you an idea of how ridiculously rare this is, I want to take you back to an old South Park episode (yeah, only the most intellectual sources from Mr. Knees here).

In an old South Park episode, the town of South Park looks like they’re going to refuse the development of a new Starbucks coffee shop. One of the corporate guys in charge of new store development tells his Starbucks construction guys to stop, that the town doesn’t want them and they might as well move on.

“But what will become of us?” asks one of the construction workers.

“Jesus, Sanchez,” says the suit. “Quit being so melodramatic. Damn.”

The idea that even one Starbucks could go out of business seemed ludicrous at the time of that episode. But six hundred?

Six hundred mother-fletching Starbucks. That’s a lot of Starbucks.

Anyway, these Starbucks closings helped me understand the easiest way to communicate the disastrous economy to Dumb Nurse Chick. Here goes:

Most of the world buys product in dollars. As the dollar weakens, a purchaser gets less goods for his money. Meanwhile, as the dollar continues to weaken, most people and most companies begin cutting non-essentials out of their lives. For corporations, non-essentials can include employees, stores and well most anything not positively influencing the bottom line (i.e. making money). So, the cost of goods like say, coffee, get more expensive through the combined forces of a weakening dollar, increased inflation and the cost to transport goods (rising gas prices). Now, that would all be well and good if there became an increased demand for Starbucks coffee. But as consumers get poorer, there becomes less willingness to pay for Starbucks coffee (because it’s not essential).

So, if what you are selling is more expensive for you to buy and there are less people to buy it, well, you’re pretty much screwed.

In a good economy, we waste money on stupid stuff we don’t need because we can. In a bad economy, we brew our own fucking coffee.

This is a bad economy. And it looks like it’s staying that way for a long time.

On the bright side though, nothing is ever as bad as I think it will be.

Except for “Made of Honor.” I didn’t know any one movie could suck so badly.

You live and you learn and all that.

Al Gore sets Goal to Stay Relevant for Four More Years

In an article creatively titled, “Gore sets energy goal for next president to heed” By Ron Fournier and Dina Cappiello, Al Gore once again does his best to stay in the public’s eye because he is a pathetic loser who really needs love. This is from the Associated Press, whose words are in bold.

WASHINGTON (AP) — Just as John F. Kennedy set his sights on the moon, Al Gore is challenging the nation to produce every kilowatt of electricity through wind, sun and other Earth-friendly energy sources within 10 years, an audacious goal he hopes the next president will embrace.

This goal is not achievable. Not even in California. This goal is stupid and should not have been stated. Al Gore is an attention hungry douche.

The Nobel Prize-winning former vice president said fellow Democrat Barack Obama and Republican rival John McCain are "way ahead" of most politicians in the fight against global climate change.

Global climates change all the time. With or without us. The sun has a lot to do with it, I’ve heard.

Rising fuel costs, climate change and the national security threats posed by U.S. dependence on foreign oil are conspiring to create "a new political environment" that Gore said will sustain bold and expensive steps to wean the nation off fossil fuels.

The problem here is that Gore is right. Instead of letting the natural forces of supply and demand determine whether or not alternative energy is the way to go, governments are subsidizing alternative energy companies and as such, are making their products seem cheaper and more efficient than they really are. This kind of bullshit is why I wish I owned a time machine.

"I have never seen an opportunity for the country like the one that's emerging now," Gore told The Associated Press in an interview previewing a speech on global warming he planned to give Thursday in Washington.

It’s funny how a poor man’s super-shitty economic collapse can be a rich man’s opportunity.

Gore said he fully understands the magnitude of the challenge.

I assure you that he does not.

The Alliance for Climate Protection, a bipartisan group he leads, estimates the cost of transforming the U.S. to clean electricity sources at $1.5 trillion to $3 trillion over 30 years in public and private money. But he says it would cost about as much to build greenhouse gas-polluting coal plants to satisfy current demand.

I love how Gore challenges the next president to have all our electricity come from alternative sources in ten years, but yet his own numbers assume thirty years to achieve the same goal. His unique brand of bullshit really is hypocritical.

"This is an investment that will pay itself back many times over," Gore said. "It's an expensive investment but not compared to the rising cost of continuing to invest in fossil fuels."

That is an unfair statement that assumes the entirety of future markets. Gore is apparently clairvoyant and all-seeing. Too bad he didn’t see that election thing coming, huh?

Called an alarmist by conservatives, Gore has made global warming his signature issue. He portrayed Thursday's speech as the latest and most important phase in his effort to build public opinion in favor of alternative fuels.

Gore knows politicians fear action unless voters are willing to sacrifice — and demand new fuels.

So Gore is demanding that voters demand new fuels. It’s an interesting strategy but it just might work.

"I hope to contribute to a new political environment in this country that will allow the next president to do what I think the next president is going to think is the right thing to do," Gore said. "But the people have to play a part." He compared his challenge to Kennedy's pledge in May 1961 to land a man on the moon by the end of the decade.

“I’m just like Kennedy,” Gore added. “Except, people liked Kennedy.”

Gore narrowly lost the presidential race in 2000 to then-Texas Gov. George W. Bush after a campaign in which his prescient views on climate change took a back seat to other issues. In the 2008 presidential race, both the Republican and Democrat candidates support action to curb the gasses blamed for global warming.

In my opinion, these gasses are unfairly blamed. I am not a scientist however. Oh, and while we’re here, neither is Al Gore. No matter how many Noble Prizes he wins.

While dismissing a suggestion that he pulled his punches eight years ago, Gore said his goal now is to "enlarge the political space" within which politicians can "deal with the climate challenge."

“Basically,” said Gore. “I just want attention.”

To meet his 10-year goal, Gore said nuclear energy output would continue at current levels while the U.S. dramatically increases its use of solar, wind, geothermal and clean coal energy. Huge investments must also be made in technologies that reduce energy waste and link existing power grids, he said.

Fucking. Impossible.

Gore's proposal would represent a significant shift in where the U.S. gets its power. In 2005, the United States produced nearly 3.7 billion kilowatt hours of electricity, with coal providing slightly more than half of that energy, according to government statistics. Nuclear power accounted for 21 percent, natural gas 15 percent and renewable sources, including wind and solar, about 8.6 percent.

Coal's share of electricity generation is only expected to grow come 2030, according to Energy Department forecasts, while renewable energy would still only provide 11 percent of the nation's power.

This is because renewable energy technology sucks and coal still works.

Without action, the cost of oil will continue to rise as fast-growing China and India increase demand, Gore said. Sustained addiction to oil also will place the U.S. at the mercy of oil-producing governments, he said, and the globe would suffer irreparable harm.

Or you know, the US could drill for more oil, create a refinery or two, maybe even allow off-shore drilling. Just saying.

Government experts recently predicted that, at the current rate and without an international treaty to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, world energy demand will grow 50 percent over the next two decades. The Energy Information Administration also said in its long-range forecast to 2030 that the world is not close to abandoning fossil fuels despite their role in global warming.

Alleged role, please. Gore has proven nothing.

While electricity production is only part of the nation's energy and climate change problem, Gore said, "If we meet this challenge we will solve the rest of it."

“And I’ll get to stay on television,” shouted an enthusiastic douchebag, ex-vice-president

Observations from the Probation Office

If you’re a college graduate and a young professional, probation offices do wonders for your self-esteem. Hell, just being able to communicate in proper English is a noteworthy ability in a probation office. More to the point, when your probation officer looks at your packet and says, “Oh, what was your major?”, well you can pretty much tell that she doesn’t get to ask that question all that much. Makes you feel smart.

Today, in the probation office, I met a cute girl and got her number. Her boyfriend came to pick her up so I sent her a text that said, “Boyfriend, huh?”

Her response: “Only until I get DL back. Ha ha.” (DL means driver’s license.) Some moments in life reinforce the feeling that you should hate the human race as much as you love the human race and this text was a written example of such a moment. Fucking bitches.

Hitting on a chick in a probation office is actually easier than you might think (assuming this is the kind of thing you’ve ever thought about, which I understand may be a bold assumption). The key is to get that phone number as quickly as possible because you never know when some lady will pop out of the office and whisk away your beautiful law violator.

To prevent her early dismissal from our conversation I used the following line, “Please give me your phone number as quickly as you can. I don’t want this to be the last time we meet.”

And it fucking worked.

I was as surprised as you probably are (again, I’m assuming here—I do that a lot).

When my newly appointed PO asked me where I wanted to do my community service hours, and I told her that I’m a local volunteer anyway, she looked me up and down twice and then said, “Do you have a girlfriend?”

“You asking me out?”

“No, but I have a friend who always falls for the wrong kind of guy. You seem like the type that is just wrong enough for her, but not so wrong that you’ll empty her bank account and steal her car.”

“What kind of car we talking?”

Her expression turned to metaphorical stone.

“Kidding,” I said.

Thankfully, she laughed.

In the same building that houses my probation office, there is a soup kitchen. When I was a kid, my mother volunteered me to work in soup kitchens. And I’m glad to report that feeding the homeless is pretty much the same as I remember it. Except they don’t call it a soup kitchen.

They call it a hospitality center.

On the long list of things I really don’t want to understand, that name change ranks in the top five percent. I mean, I can’t even bring myself to think about why the name change was necessary, how it came about and who made it happen. I don’t want to. I’m not a particularly sensitive guy, but I can’t handle our culture’s forced self-deception when it comes to the nature of words. It makes me angry.

Maybe in a little while I’ll be able to think about this rationally.

Thankfully, I don’t have to. The All Star Game is coming on soon.

The Importance of Failure and Not Being French

When you were a kid, and even as an adult, you failed at stuff. Oftentimes, when you failed at stuff, you were forced to try again, to develop a better way of doing whatever the hell it was you failed at. This is the way life is supposed to work. You ask out the hot cheerleader, she shoots you down, you learn she has a drug problem, you buy some of her favorite drugs, you invite her over to do said drugs and then bam, instant cheerleader sex action. In this odd, second-person scenario, your desperation and innovation helped you get the girl. And you may have even developed some character as a result. We learn from failure. We’re supposed to. Learning is one of the reasons failure even exists.

Failure is a part of life, and as such, it exists in business, science, love, sex, drugs and even rock n roll.

But failure and its importance mean nothing to our government. You see, all our government really wants is control. They want more power, more of your freedoms and (most importantly) they want the ability to define what you and your money are worth. You may think this is paranoid thinking on my part but you are wrong.

Have you ever considered why the government sets a minimum rate at which banks can lend money? Seems to me, that kind of thing should be left up to the banks. I mean that kind of regulation is a little like the government telling McDonalds how much they have to charge for a cheeseburger.

And so, as the housing crisis continues, America’s two largest government chartered loan companies, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, have lost so much money that, in a purely capitalistic world, they would have become insolvent and gone bankrupt.

But the government had a better idea.

The government has decided to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

Your tax dollars are always used for stupid crap, from wars you don’t believe in to studies that don’t need to be done to regulations designed to make your money worth less and on and on. Your tax dollars will always be used for stuff you don’t believe in. There are a lot of us in this country and it’s impossible to please everyone.

But that’s no excuse for bailing out businesses.

You see, when a business goes under, another one typically takes its place. In simple terms, if Bob’s Ice Cream Parlor doesn’t make enough money because it pushed the wrong flavors for a few years, Bob’s would go out of business and the ice cream demand would be filled by another retailer and/or Bob would learn how to do his job better.

Lessons from failure are important.

If, as it is now, the government can just step in and use our taxpaying money to bail out businesses that made stupid decisions then how will any business learn to evolve? How will we avoid future mistakes if the government simply steps in and saves the very companies that screwed up?

We won’t.

The end result of creating a political climate with no accountability is citizens with no accountability. Think about every fucking no-good loser, non-job having, Hot-Pocket sucking burden on society that you know. Think about the kinds of things they say when confronted about why they got arrested, why they don’t have a job, etc. They almost always blame someone or something else for their plight. They don’t have accountability. They shift the burden of blame from their lack of action to society’s limits. And in the end, you get tired of their bullshit and you kick them off the fucking couch.

Metaphorically speaking, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are on our couches. They are taking food from our fridge, money from our pockets and gas from our cars and they are laughing all the while because they’re fuckups. And they’re fuckups who know that we will always be there to take care of them.

One of the reasons that America earned its reputation as the badass mofos of the free world is that we had rugged individualism, brought about in part because of our capitalistic roots. If you get away from that, if you encourage the government to control our money, to insure our lives, to dictate how we live, then you take the first steps towards becoming a welfare nation, a nation of irresponsibly stupid nimrods who expect the government to save them when they fail.

And after that happens, it’s not long until we’re just like the fucking French.

And really, who wants that?

The Annual Brett Favre Retirment Hype Train Rolls On

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Fed Up and Reading Between the Lines

The following is from the New York Times. I am going to break down each paragraph into human English and let you know what I think it all really means. I’m that kind of guy. NYT is in bold. I am in a cheap, short-sleeve button down (it’s Friday).

WASHINGTON — Federal policy makers have concluded that the turmoil plaguing the housing and financial markets is likely to spill deep into 2009, becoming one of the most significant domestic problems to confront the next president when he steps into the White House in January.

Rich dudes are promising the President they can make him look good. First, they have to scare the new president into submission.

Ben S. Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve, publicly indicated on Tuesday that he believes the problems will persist into next year when he outlined a series of steps the Fed is considering in the coming months.

Everyone knows this problem will last years. No one should be asking the Fed to do anything about it, but that doesn’t matter. The Fed does not need to be asked. They reach out like that. Nice, eh?

One such step would extend low-interest lending programs to Wall Street’s largest investment banks into next year. The programs, one of which was set to expire in September, can continue only if the Fed issues a finding that there are “unusual and exigent circumstances” that justify them.

Basically, one such step would be to give stupid, huge companies your money and risk the ensuing inflation and taxes because fuck you. You are not rich.

Mr. Bernanke also recommended that Congress grant the Fed broader authority to monitor and supervise the financial markets to assure greater stability in the future. But with time running out on this session, lawmakers are unlikely to adopt such legislation before next year.

Bernanke, not content with the fact that the Fed essentially controls the value of our money, wants more power so he can screw stuff up even more without anyone voting for him or anything. But Congress is lazy and probably won’t grant him any power until after another eight week vacation.

Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr. said in a speech last week in London that the problems of the housing and financial markets might last longer than originally expected.

He followed up in another speech on Tuesday by saying that the Bush administration was working to prevent as many home foreclosures as possible, but that “many of today’s unusually high number of foreclosures are not preventable.” Mr. Paulson said 1.5 million home foreclosures were started in 2007 and that an estimated 2.5 million more would take place this year.

The Treasury and Fed have no interest in bailing out American citizens who can’t pay their mortgages. They only bail out banks who can’t pay their loans.

Still, the markets seemed reassured that Washington officials were redoubling their efforts to resuscitate the weak housing sector, despite the downbeat comments. The Dow Jones industrial average, which has fallen sharply in recent weeks, closed up 1.4 percent, or 152 points.

Wall Street knows to always back the horse that is loved by the guys with the nuclear missiles.

Mr. Bernanke said that the Fed would issue next week long-awaited rules to restrict new exotic mortgages and high-cost loans for people with weak credit. Such mortgages have been a central cause of the current market problems.

Oddly enough, it was government policy that eased loan restrictions in the first place, begging the question, why the fuck should we listen to these guys again?

The Federal Housing Administration will also begin an expanded effort next week to help a larger group of troubled homeowners refinance their adjustable mortgages. Under the plan, homeowners would be eligible to refinance even if they have missed up to three monthly mortgage payments over the previous 12 months.

The FHA will not pay loans for American citizens, but they will allow banks to refinance the loans so that the banks have more working capital because they love the banks (partly because they, in a strong sense, are the banks).

Homeowners who have fallen behind on their payments because of job loss, declining wages and family illness would also be eligible, even if their rates have not increased. Homeowners are now eligible only if they were current on their mortgages before their interest rate was adjusted upward.

And somewhere in America, there’s a dude behind on his mortgage, asking his boss to fire him. Fuck me.

For its part, Congress is close to completing legislation on a $300 billion foreclosure-rescue plan that would help troubled borrowers refinance into more affordable loans insured by the federal government. The Senate is expected to approve a measure by next week.

Of course they are. Banks and congress are working together to spend your money bailing out banks and giving the government more power over said banks. For those of you who are curious about capitalism, this isn’t it.

The Fed created the lending programs to Wall Street in March as part of a broader effort to prevent financial institutions from collapsing, as Bear Stearns nearly did before it was sold under heavy pressure from the Fed and the Bush administration to JPMorgan Chase.

Yeah. That worked real well. You can tell by how all market indicators fell between eight and ten percent since March. Oh, and by the serious increase in foreclosures, the spike in unemployment, the decline of the value of the dollar and the increased cost of commodities. Good job, guys. You put a band aid on a bullet wound and now you want more money for band aids. Douchebags.

The lending programs to the investment banks, a broad expansion of the Fed’s historic practice of providing loans only to commercial banks that the Fed supervises, are intended to provide confidence to financial institutions that they will have enough cash to meet their daily needs. And by permitting investment banks to post collateral for Fed loans, including hard-to-sell financial instruments backed by mortgages, the programs have helped prop up the enormous and troubled market in securities sold by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the all-important mortgage-finance companies.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac both announced today that they lost about half their earnings.

The two buyers of mortgages, which together held more than $1.4 trillion of mortgage-backed bonds as of the end of last year, have struggled in recent months through the wave of foreclosures and declining housing markets. On Tuesday, Fannie Mae closed up nearly 12 percent, and Freddie Mac rose 13 percent, after their regulator said he would probably not force them to raise more capital because of an accounting rule change. The shares of both government-chartered companies had tumbled on Monday amid concerns over the accounting rule and worries that the worst of the mortgage crisis was yet to come.

Half. Their. Earnings.

Officials said that the Federal Reserve remained concerned that the declining housing market would not reach its bottom and financial markets would not become more stable before some time next year, and that the economy would continue to suffer as a result of declining consumer confidence, a sluggish global economy and the widespread effects of the rapid jump in oil prices.

Duh.

“The financial turmoil is ongoing, and our efforts today are concentrated on helping the financial system return to more normal functioning,” Mr. Bernanke said at a forum in Virginia on lending for low- and moderate-income households. He did not provide a forecast of how soon he expected markets would begin to turn.

Normal functioning? What the fuck does that mean? It seems to me that if a bank runs out of money, the normal function would be for the bank to fail because of stupid practices. But banks can’t fail, apparently. It’s in the constitution or something.

“Although short-term funding markets remain strained, they have improved somewhat since March,” Mr. Bernanke said, reflecting both the intervention of the Fed in offering loans to Wall Street and “ongoing efforts of financial firms to repair their balance sheets and increase their liquidity.”

Every financial firm out there overstates their value to look like they shouldn’t go under. Every one. This helps no one. No one is helped by this. The world is fucked because this kind of lying is considered an “ongoing effort.” Fuck you, Bernanke. Fuck you.

Officials said that the Fed privately reached the view some time ago that weakness in the housing and financial sectors would likely continue well into next year. Mr. Bernanke’s comments Tuesday were not intended to signal any change in interest-rate policy.

First smart thing dude’s done since being appointed.

In his speech in London, Mr. Paulson emphasized that the financial markets have yet to adapt to the changing climate. “Working through the current turmoil will take additional time, as markets and financial institutions continue to reassess risk, and re-price securities across a number of asset classes and sectors,” Mr. Paulson said.

Yet to adapt to the changing climate = push bad loans on tax payers. Reassessing risk in this case means “praying to god that these mortgage backed securities will be worth something in a couple of years.”

The Federal Housing Administration’s expanded program to help more troubled homeowners refinance, called F.H.A. Secure, was announced in April at a time when fewer than 2,000 homeowners at risk of foreclosure had been helped by it. Housing Secretary Steven C. Preston said the expanded program would help an additional 100,000 borrowers in crisis by the end of the year. So far, more than 260,000 homeowners have refinanced through the program, the vast majority of them people who have paid their bills on time. Mr. Preston predicted that 500,000 families would be helped by year’s end.

Why, again, are we helping people who can pay their bills on time? Or for that matter, why are we helping people who can’t? I want this explained to me in simple sentences with small words.

Mr. Preston warned, however, that F.H.A.’s efforts could be derailed if Congress passed housing legislation that failed to safeguard the agency’s financial stability. He said he was concerned about efforts to eliminate the agency’s plans to use risk-based pricing, which would allow F.H.A. for the first time to charge higher mortgage insurance premiums to borrowers viewed as presenting a higher credit risk.

In that paragraph, there are like, a billion problems. Here are my main two:

1. That first sentence seems like a threat, as if Mr. Preston is saying, “You guys better protect our stupid agency or else there will be no more pudding pops in the congressional kitchen.”

2. He has a problem with risk based pricing because it… makes sense? I mean, shouldn’t people with shittier credit pay more? Isn’t that why we have pricing in the first fucking place? God, I hate my government.

He said he was also concerned about efforts by some lawmakers to maintain an agency program in which the seller finances the down payment on a mortgage. The program has suffered high delinquency and foreclosure rates in recent years, and the F.H.A. hopes to eliminate it.

This, actually, makes a little sense. If a seller is actually making a down payment on someone else’s mortgage, he is an idiot. And it is apparently our government’s job to protect idiots from themselves.

If the Senate, as expected, adopts housing legislation by next week, differences need to be ironed out in the House, which approved a similar measure in May. Though the White House has expressed some willingness to negotiate, the administration has not rescinded a veto threat.

Yawn. Work it out, old dudes. You’ll get your piece of the pie.

Senator Harry Reid of Nevada, the Democratic majority leader, urged Republican lawmakers to speed up the bill, which has been slowed by a procedural fight despite broad support among lawmakers in both parties. “Since the last stall on the housing bill, 85,000 more Americans have received foreclosure notices — 8,500 a day,” Mr. Reid said. “Tomorrow it will be over 90,000. Every day they squander the Senate’s precious time, the American people lose.”

The American people deserve this, asshole. They deserve to lose. They borrowed money they couldn’t afford to pay and treated their homes like junk bonds in the eighties. Well guess what? The market busted. This is what happens when risk plays a game versus reward. This is why there is no accountability in this goddamn cesspool.

Fuck it. I’m spending my stimulus check on Chinese porn.

The First Post is Always the Most Awkward

My name is Rickety Knees. I’ll spare you the jokes about cruel parents and state the obvious: I don’t write under my real name. I used to. But then I learned that there are rules and guidelines and employers, all of which and whom are against the writing of jokes about fucking gutter sluts and drinking alone in the afternoon. So I changed my tune, so to type.

I used to write for a fairly popular college humor website where I ran the same shtick for about three years. It got boring.

Then George Carlin died.

When George Carlin was alive and performing, I didn’t really have to search the world around me for bullshit. I mean, the world is basically bullshit anyway but I didn’t have to dip my hands into it and point out the corn chunks within because Carlin did it for me. For all of us, actually.

Now, with no more Carlin in my life, I have decided to move beyond the guttural realm of vulgar humor and into the guttural realm of calling bullshit.

This blog will be dedicated to calling out the lies of the media (in news, sports and finance) and the lies that we, the general public, have accepted as fact. It will also be dedicated to making you laugh (you don’t know it yet, but I’m fucking funny).

It’s also a bit of an apology. You see, in my past, I was a selfish writer, basically spending all of my time writing about my life and my personal experiences. And though that’s great for a laugh, it's also vain and childish.

I’ve been trying to grow up for a long time now. And I think this blog is the right first step (I do not want to know what needing to blog says about my emotional maturity).

Please note that I accept any and all comments and emails (even the negative type). I don’t care how you feel about anything here because I’m writing for myself, but I do hope that my writing makes you feel something.

The title of my blog is taken from a conversation I had with my niece, wherein she asked me why hurricanes are not named after inanimate objects and animals. She wanted to name her dangerous storm, Hurricane Dolphin. I opted for Hurricane Shotgun because it sounded like the messiest, meanest, most unpredictable hurricane in the long and storied history of unpredictable hurricanes.

And in a way, that’s what I want this here blog to be: a raging inferno of destruction that cuts through the land swath size chunks of bullshit we the people are exposed to everyday.

It should be fun.

Anyways, come along for the ride. I’ll be posting regularly because that's what I do.